


Lonely Bones

by YetAnother



Series: Lonely Bones [1]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Depression, It's not explicit or anything but it happens a lot, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Other characters make minor appearances but it's pretty much just the skeletons, Sick Character, Suicidal Thoughts, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 13:57:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13836207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YetAnother/pseuds/YetAnother
Summary: Sans is depressed, and Papyrus takes notice. It's nice for a while, but Papyrus finds a way to mess it up.





	Lonely Bones

**Author's Note:**

> A smart, observant, self-aware Papyrus, unlike I usually write. It is my preferred kind of Papyrus, though.

'i have lots of friends.'

It's a thought that runs through Sans's mind often.

'i have lots of friends that care about me. lots of friends i could go to if i needed someone to talk to. lots of friends who would pat me on the back and say thoughtful but overall meaningless phrases to try and relate to me and make me feel better.'

Sans turns over on his mattress so now he stares at the wall.

'so many friends that i see everyday. they smile when they see me. i smile when i see them. they laugh at my jokes, and i joke to make them laugh. if i wanted to, i could go see any of them right now. i could just stand up, walk out the door, and see a friendly face.'

He regrets kicking his sheets into a ball at the end of his mattress. He wants nothing more than to pull a blanket over himself and just hide from his own mind.

'even a brother who lives with me, who cares about me, who loves me even more than he loves the artificial stars in waterfall. i wouldn't even need to leave the house to see him. hell, if i shouted loud enough i wouldn't even need to leave the room. he'd come to me.'

He curls into the fetal position.

'so many monsters. so many friends.'

His knees are digging into his eye sockets.

'so many monsters that care about me.'

His hands are grasping his own arms, clenching hard enough to hurt.

"so why the fuck do i feel so lonely?"

Tears build in his eyes, spilling down his face and wetting the mattress beneath. He sobs into his knees quietly.

It's just a normal everyday activity for him now, as common as naps and breaks. He can't explain it. In just a couple hours he'll be at his sentry station, talking to the usual monsters who stop by just to chat. He'll be smiling, joking, laughing.

But he won't be happy, and he'll still feel lonely.

He just can't understand it. How can he feel lonely when he's around other monsters? It makes no sense. There must be something wrong with him.

There's a knock at his door and he's desperately wiping at his eyes. He can't believe it's already time to get up and go to work. It feels like he's barely woken up.

Papyrus opens the door and pokes his head in. "WAKEY WAKEY, SLEEPY BONES. WE HAVE PUZZLES TO RECALIBRATE!"

"yeah, bro, i'll be out in a minute." Sans replies.

"ALRIGHT, BUT I'M HOLDING YOU TO THAT. ONE MINUTE!" Papyrus leaves, closing the door behind him as he heads downstairs to heat up some breakfast spaghetti.

Sans knows better than to lollygag when he's given a specific time limit. He gets up and then he's sitting back down.

Some days it's hard just to stand up. There's nothing wrong with his bones, but some days they just refuse to work. It's frustrating, to say the least.

He makes another attempt and yup, yup, he's definitely standing. Now for the walking. He walks over and grabs some questionably clean clothes from the floor. Clothes in hand, he makes his way to the bathroom for a quick shower.

Papyrus walks out of the kitchen and looks up to see Sans entering the bathroom. He grins, happy to see his brother already out of his room. "BREAKFAST WILL BE READY IN SIX MINUTES. I EXPECT YOU TO BE DOWN HERE BY THEN." He shouts up at his brother before he heads back into the kitchen.

Sans dumps the clothes on the floor and steps into the tub. He starts up the shower. It's cold.

He doesn't really care.

He soaps up and rinses off his bones in slowly warming water. By the time he turns the shower off the water had actually gotten to a nice temperature. Doesn't matter, he needs to dry off and get downstairs. He doesn't want to disappoint Papyrus more than he already has.

There's a towel hanging off the towel rack, placed there lovingly by his brother. 'how thoughtful.' Sans thinks as he dries off. He smiles just a little bit to himself.

Leave it to Papyrus to make his morning nice with just little details.

He's dressed and downstairs just as Papyrus is plating up the spaghetti.

"GREAT TIME TODAY, SANS." Papyrus says, grinning at his older brother. "IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU UP AND READY AT A DECENT TIME." He puts the spaghetti on the table. As Sans walks past to sit down to his healthy breakfast, Papyrus's face scrunches up. "ARE THOSE CLOTHES CLEAN?"

"clean 'nuff." Sans replies as he digs in.

Papyrus really looks like he wants to start nagging as he sits, but instead he takes a deep breath and calms himself. "I'LL DO LAUNDRY AFTER WORK TODAY. JUST LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM, PLEASE, AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU MAY NEED CLEANED. PERHAPS YOUR SHEETS? I THINK IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I LAST CLEANED THEM."

"i think they're still good." Sans says, even though they are most certainly no good. Stained by grease, beer, ketchup, sweat, and tears, his sheets have been sitting at the edge of his bed for the past three weeks. He's been cold at night. So cold.

He deserves it.

He tries to stop thinking and just eats instead.

 

He's so tired. He's so tired he can't sleep. He sits at his sentry post, staring out into the distance. There's nothing on his mind. He's blank, empty, dead to the world.

Papyrus enters the nothingness of his mind as he walks into Sans's view.

"WOW, YOU'RE AWAKE!" Papyrus exclaims. "THAT'S GREAT, SANS! YOU'RE DOING SO WELL TODAY." Papyrus rubs Sans's skull gently.

Sans smiles, relief washing over him from the praise and affection. He feels warm. He feels happy. He wants to capture this moment, this feeling, and just keep it forever. He feels so connected. To Papyrus, to the Underground, to his own body.

"I'M GOING TO MAKE YOUR FAVORITE DINNER TODAY." Papyrus states.

"and just what is my favorite dinner?" Sans asks, leaning further into Papyrus's hand.

"ANYTHING I MAKE." Papyrus states, confidently. Sans chuckles at that and eventually Papyrus is laughing too. Papyrus's laughter is like real sunlight, radiating all around and warming Sans up.

It's amazing how Papyrus affects him in a way no other monster can. How his affection and praise make for good reasons to actually get up in the morning, to stay awake at work, to come home in the evening.

To keep living.

Papyrus is gone so quickly, Sans doesn't even know when he left. Sans must've been too busy basking in the afterwarmth of his brother's presence to even notice his departure.

He's alone again. Too alone. He heads to Grillby's.

 

Noise. Light. Food.

People, distant yet close. They're talking to him, but he can't hear them. Somehow he's responding anyways, on autopilot. He must've said a good joke because everyone is laughing now.

He feels so disconnected from the people around him, he's not even sure if he's even in his own body.

Friends all around, but he feels so lonely.

 

A couple monsters stop by his sentry post. He can't recognize their faces, but they talk as if they know him. Sans keeps up the charade, treating them like friends.

It must work because they're laughing and buying hotdogs. As they walk away, tails wagging, Sans dimly realizes that it was the dogi.

He sighs and rubs his eyes.

 

He doesn't even bother walking to the door today. He hasn't had the will to even knock at the door for a month now. The lady on the other side must be very worried by now. She seems like the motherly kind of person who would worry about strangers behind doors.

Well, Sans is used to disappointing people.

 

Evening comes quick and Sans finds himself avoiding Grillby's. Being there somehow makes him feel even more alone than just sitting in his room. Besides, his brother is making his favorite for dinner. Best not be late.

As he walks in, he's surprised to see Papyrus relaxing on the sofa, watching television. "WELCOME HOME, SANS. COME SIT DOWN, EAT WITH ME."

"okay." Sans heads to the couch, seeing a brown paper bag that he recognizes as take-out from Grillby's sitting on Papyrus's lap. "you're home early."

"WELL, SINCE UNDYNE'S HOUSE BURNED DOWN YESTERDAY DURING COOKING PRACTICE, WE CAN'T TRAIN ANYMORE. I'M GOING TO BE HOME EARLY EVERY DAY UNTIL HER HOUSE IS RESTORED." He pulls a burger out of the bag and hands it to Sans.

"heh, thought you said you were making my favorite." Sans says as he takes a big bite. Extra ketchup, just how he likes it.

"YES, I MADE MYSELF WALK DOWN TO GRILLBY'S AND GET TAKE-OUT. YOUR FAVORITE." Papyrus says, a cheeky smile on his face as he pulls a burger out for himself.

Sans snickers a bit. "pap, you know i like your cooking."

"SANS, I JUST BURNED DOWN A HOUSE." Papyrus states, looking off to the side somewhat bashfully. "MAYBE MY COOKING LESSONS WITH UNDYNE AREN'T GOING SO GREAT."

"that does sound like a pretty big setback, but i believe in you, bro. you can get past this whole 'accidental arson' thing." Sans shrugs. "can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs."

"I SUPPOSE, BUT YOU KNOW... I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT ASKING GRILLBY FOR SOME COOKING LESSONS." Papyrus is staring down at his half eaten burger. "MAYBE HIS FARE IS NOT THE HEALTHIEST, BUT YOU REALLY LIKE IT. PLUS, HE NEVER BURNS DOWN HIS RESTAURANT, EVEN THOUGH HE'S MADE OF FIRE!"

"huh, sounds like a good idea." Sans says, nodding. Grillby was an actual chef, somebody qualified to give cooking lessons. Sans was pretty certain that Undyne didn't actually know how to cook herself. He's seen her eat at Grillby's a lot.

"YES, AND THEN ONCE HER HOUSE IS SAFE AGAIN, HOPEFULLY WE CAN GO BACK TO BATTLE TRAINING INSTEAD OF COOKING TRAINING. COOKING IS A HOBBY I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT, BUT SO IS SPARRING! AND SHE HASN'T SPARRED WITH ME SINCE WE STARTED COOKING. I FEEL SO RESTLESS, I WANT A GOOD FIGHT!"

Sans nods. He knows why Undyne isn't sparring with Papyrus anymore. He knows that she won't let Papyrus into the Royal Guard. It's just not possible with Papyrus's sweet demeanor. Still, he wishes Undyne would stop jerking his brother around. The longer she keeps pretending she'll let him in, the more it's going to hurt when the truth comes out.

Sans suddenly feels very empty and sad.

He finishes his burger quickly and starts to head upstairs.

"PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO BRING YOUR CLOTHES DOWNSTAIRS. I'D LIKE TO START LAUNDRY SOON." Papyrus calls up.

Sans doesn't look back, just walks into his room and strips off his clothes. He grabs all the rest strewn across his floor and dumps them into the laundry basket in his room before he picks it up with blue magic and brings it downstairs.

Papyrus doesn't bother to acknowledge his brother's nudity, he just watches as Sans puts the basket in the laundry room. "THANK YOU." He says as he stands and walks to the room.

Sans just shrugs as he heads back upstairs.

It's too early to sleep, and his mind is racing. Incomplete theorems mixing with worries mixing with half-remembered conversations that he had today. He sits at his desk with an open textbook on quantum physics and a notebook and starts writing.

When he runs out of theories, he starts doodling. When he runs out of schematic ideas, he starts scribbling. When he runs out of energy, he checks back on his work.

Mostly nonsense, sentence topics shifting halfway through, turning from scientific to personal to abstract. Drawings that make no sense in the physical realm. A doodle of his brother throwing a bone. There is a little bit worth keeping, possible changes to the machine that might make it work.

It's good progress. He nods a little bit. He checks the time. Still too early for bed.

A little trombone practice, then.

 

It's just about bedtime when Papyrus knocks on his door.

"come in." Sans says as he puts the trombone back in its case.

The door opens and Papyrus places the laundry basket full of fresh, folded clothes in Sans's room. "SANS, IT'S TIME FOR SLEEP. CAN YOU PLEASE COME TUCK ME IN AND READ ME A BEDTIME STORY?"

Sans chuckles a bit. Papyrus hasn't asked for that in... Stars, it's been years. Once Papyrus stopped wearing stripes, he didn't want to be treated like a child anymore. This must be some kind of jest. "yeah, sure." Sans reaches into the fresh laundry and pulls out some pajamas, which he quickly dresses in before following Papyrus to his room.

Papyrus climbs into his racecar bed and Sans dutifully tucks him in. Sans feels strangely warm as he performs what used to be a nightly ritual. Back when Papyrus was an energetic dream-filled kid, back when Sans's mind wasn't cloudy, back when Papyrus would follow Sans to work and they would spend every moment together. It was so nice back then.

What changed?

Papyrus grew up, but he was still a kind-hearted skeleton who tried to spend all of his free time with Sans. He had a job of his own now, though. A life of his own.

Sans had his own life, too. A life he liked to spend at the door and at the bar, talking to his friends. Even if now they didn't feel like friends, and those places didn't feel comforting and warm like they used to. It was just by habit that he continued his breaks at the bar, not to mention it was expected by him.

"what book were you wanting?" Sans asks as he looks over Papyrus's bookshelf. Children's books from days gone by intermixed with books on advanced puzzle creation and civil engineering.

"APPLICATION OF ADVANCED PUZZLE MECHANICS, PLEASE."

Sans pulls out the heavy book and notices a bookmark stuck near the end. "heh, too old for fluffy bunny, eh?"

"NO, IT'S NOT THAT. IT'S JUST THAT I'M ONLY A CHAPTER AWAY FROM FINISHING THIS BOOK. I WAS THINKING WE COULD READ FLUFFY BUNNY TOMORROW."

As Sans goes to sit on the bed, it hits him. "tomorrow? what, you want to turn this into a nightly habit again?"

"I WAS HOPING... IF YOU DIDN'T MIND." Again, that bashful face, looking away from Sans.

Sans chuckles a little. "'f course i don't mind, bro. it'd be nice to spend more time with you."

Papyrus's face lights up, and Sans swears his soul is lighting up in response. Stars, he loves Papyrus. He opens the book up to the bookmarked page and starts reading, being sure to sit and hold the book in a way where Papyrus can see all the diagrams.

When he finishes the book, Papyrus looks drowsy and content. Sans smiles as he leans down to gently clank his teeth against Papyrus's skull.

"g'night papyrus, i love you."

"GOODNIGHT SANS. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ALL THE FALSE STARS IN THE CAVERN ROOF AND FISH IN THE RIVER." Then Papyrus's eyes close, as he drifts off to sleep.

Sans clutches at his soul, the sweet statement hitting him hard. Tears build in his eyes as he walks out and gently shuts the door. He heads to his room, wondering how he could ever repay Papyrus for his kindness.

Sans falls face first onto his mattress.

Then he pulls away, rasping and choking. His mattress absolutely reeks, and is strangely slightly damp. He looks down to notice a strange, fluffy looking substance on his mattress.

Mold.

He's cried and sweated so much that his mattress has grown mold. Somehow it manages to smell worse than his trash covered room. He can't sleep on something like that. He'd reach for his blankets, but...

Well, they're absolutely disgusting too.

Maybe it's best to just go crash on the couch. He heads downstairs and makes himself comfortable on the couch. Being fair, the couch is probably more comfortable than his bed, except for the chill downstairs.

'i think paps was talkin' about how the door's been doin' a bad job of insulating the house.' Sans thinks as he stares at the door. 'maybe it's about time we did some home improvements.'

Sans curls up to conserve his body heat and quickly falls asleep.

 

Sans wakes up feeling warm and comfortable for the first time in several weeks. He also feels constricted. He wiggles a bit to find himself no longer on the couch directly, but instead laying on top of his brother.

Papyrus's eyes are still shut, the taller skeleton in a peaceful rest. The sheets from Papyrus's bed are covering the both of them. Sans feels very comforted in his brother's hold, but he still needs to wake him up.

"hey, paps." He says, gently reaching up to lightly tap on Papyrus's face.

Papyrus grumbles a bit and opens his eyes just slightly as he looks down at Sans. "SANS, GO BACK TO SLEEP." He mutters before pulling the sheets up higher, covering Sans completely with them.

"uh, heh, usually i wouldn't argue with that, but, uh... don't we have work today?" Sans asks, looking out the window for any indication of what time it is. It still looks somewhat dark out, but it is lighting up.

Papyrus sighs. "ALRIGHT THEN." He pulls the blanket off and moves to stand, his arms wrapping around Sans to pick him up with. Once up, he gently places Sans on the floor. Sans looks up at his brother and sees a Sans-shaped sweat stain on his brother's pajamas. Papyrus either doesn't notice, or doesn't care.

"you seem... unusually tired today." Sans notes. "what's up?"

"OH NOTHING." Papyrus dismisses with a wave of the hand. "I'M MORE CONCERNED WITH WHY YOU WERE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH. ARE YOUR SHEETS DIRTY? I TOLD YOU I'D CLEAN THEM YESTERDAY."

"oh, uh..." On one hand, Sans doesn't like to leave Papyrus with all the housework, on the other, if Sans relies on himself to get it done, it'll never get done. "yeah they're gross, but uh... really it was a problem with my mattress. it's growing mold."

"OH, OKAY. I'LL DEAL WITH IT AFTER WORK TODAY." Papyrus says, no fuss, no nagging, no complaints, not even a question of how it got damp enough to grow mold in the first place.

"uh, thanks..." Sans says, scratching the back of his head nervously. "so, uh, why did you come down and sleep on the couch with me?"

"I GOT UP TO GET A GLASS OF WATER AND SAW YOU LAYING DOWN THERE, SHIVERING, SO I TOOK MY BLANKETS AND CAME DOWN TO SLEEP WITH YOU." Papyrus shrugs as if it's the most natural reason in the world.

"okay, yeah... that makes sense." Sans says, nodding along.

They both get started on their morning routines and head off to work without much more conversation. Sans notices Papyrus moving a little slower than usual, but doesn't bring it up. 'even the most energetic people need a break once in a while.' Sans reasons to himself.

 

Monsters, monsters, monsters.

They appear and disappear in the blink of an eye. Some come with conversation that Sans weakly returns, some come with money that Sans exchanges for hotdogs, and one big blue fish comes with scolding that Sans just blankly accepts.

"Did you hear me, Sans? No more sleeping on the job!" Undyne shouts.

Sans's head rolls from one shoulder to the other, his vision still stuck to the snowy ground. He mutters something incoherent.

"What was that?!" She leans in close to Sans.

Again, Sans mutters incoherent babble. Even he doesn't know what he's trying to say. He's just trying to give a vocal response to get her off his back.

"What are you, drunk or something?" She reaches over and picks him up by the collar. One of Sans's slippers slides off. "If you're drunk on the job, this is it! I will fire you!"

"UNDYNE!" Cries out Papyrus, who's rushing over from a nearby puzzle. "LET SANS GO, PLEASE."

"I'm not letting go until he proves that he isn't-"

A bone attack flying in front of her face interrupts her. "PLEASE, JUST PUT SANS DOWN." Papyrus asks, not sounding as nice as he did the first time.

Undyne lowers Sans back into his sentry spot and turns to Papyrus. "Fine, but you need to have a talk with your brother. He's completely out of it! If a human came around, Sans probably wouldn't even see it!"

"I WILL, BUT PLEASE DON'T TOUCH HIM. YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT." Papyrus walks in between the two of them, standing tall as he stares down Undyne.

"Yeah, sorry, you know I'm a physical kinda monster. I forget your brother is under the no touch rule." Undyne stands tall herself. "It doesn't change the fact that your brother's behavior is unacceptable. If he comes to work intoxicated again, I will have to fire him." Undyne stomps off.

"INTOXICATED?" Papyrus mutters as he looks at Sans. He walks over to Sans's side and bends down to put Sans's slipper back on. "I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE THINKS THAT." He stands back up and gently pets Sans's skull. "I'LL TALK TO HER LATER, DON'T WORRY."

Sans hasn't really been following anything that's been going on. He vaguely registers his brother's hand on his head and leans in to the touch. He murmurs slightly.

"MAYBE I SHOULD TAKE YOU HOME." Papyrus says. "I KNOW IT'S BETTER TO STICK TO ROUTINES TO GET THROUGH THIS SORT OF THING, BUT... YOU DON'T SEEM WELL TODAY, BROTHER." Papyrus picks Sans up and starts the short trek home.

 

Sans wakes up on the couch, television on at a low volume, blanket covering him, and a bowl of soup on a tray in front of him.

He honestly doesn't feel well at all. He's feverish and nauseous, shaking and sweating. There's a bucket near his face which he immediately grabs and vomits into.

Papyrus appears at the top of the stairs. "YOU'RE AWAKE, THAT'S GOOD. YOUR BED IS ALMOST READY." He's not in his battle body, instead in a loose orange sweater. "I KNOW YOU'RE NOT FEELING WELL, BUT PLEASE TRY EATING THE SOUP. IT'LL BE GOOD FOR YOU."

"where's your battle body?" Sans's voice is quiet and gravelly, and it hurts to speak.

"YOU THREW UP ON ME WHILE I WAS CARRYING YOU HOME. IT'S FINE, I ALREADY PUT IT IN THE WASH. I TALKED TO UNDYNE, SHE SAID SHE'S SORRY FOR ACCUSING YOU OF DRINKING ON THE JOB WHEN YOU WERE JUST SICK." Papyrus is leaning against the railing, looking more calm and casual than Sans remembers ever seeing him.

Seems like Papyrus really has become a responsible adult, meanwhile Sans is wallowing in his own misery, unable to even keep his bed free of mold.

Sans curls into himself, misery eating at him. Tears start in his eyes, but he forces them back. He can't cry in front of Papyrus. Papyrus doesn't need to be stressing over Sans's depression.

"I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I CLEANED THE REST OF YOUR ROOM, TOO." Papyrus bites back saying how disgusting it was. "A CLEAR ROOM LEADS TO A CLEAR MIND."

"thanks bro." Sans's voice warbles.

"ANYTIME, BROTHER."

 

It's about bedtime when Papyrus picks up Sans, carrying the smaller skeleton back to his own bedroom. While Sans is feeling better with the soup in his stomach, he's still rather out of it. 'it's nice to be carried.' Sans thinks.

Papyrus tucks Sans in to the mattress, which smells clean and fresh, with crisp, cool sheets and a fluffy pillow. Sans feels so grateful that he has such a loving brother. When Papyrus walks out, Sans notices the glass of water and clean bucket near his mattress.

Sans is about to close his eyes and sleep when Papyrus walks back in, a small book in his hands. "fluffy bunny?" Sans questions, recognizing the book.

"SINCE YOU ARE TOO SICK TO READ TO ME, I WILL READ TO YOU TONIGHT. HOPEFULLY TOMORROW WE CAN GO BACK TO NORMAL." Papyrus explains.

Sans has to stifle a laugh at the idea that his reading to his now adult brother is 'normal', but he quiets down and gets comfy in his spot. If his brother wants to read to him, he'll be good and listen. It's not like it'll take any energy from him.

Sans falls asleep on the second page.

 

Sans wakes up to a quiet house. No Papyrus shouting, no alarm buzzing, no kitchen racket, not even an annoying dog barking. Sans looks around and sees a small note by his mattress.

'SANS, THERE IS PORRIDGE AND LEFTOVER SOUP IN THE FRIDGE. PLEASE TRY TO EAT AT LEAST ONE TODAY. I WILL BE HOME SOME TIME IN THE AFTERNOON. CALL ME IF YOU NEED ANYTHING. - THE GREAT PAPYRUS'

Nausea chokes Sans as he thinks about having to eat, and he heaves into the bucket. Tears build in the corners of his eye sockets.

He lets himself weep freely, the misery of his sickness and the misery of his mind bogging him down and making him curl around the bucket. He sobs into it, the tears falling into his sick.

He doesn't know how long he's been crying before he feels a hand rubbing his back. Somehow he didn't notice Papyrus come home, and now the skeleton is sitting beside him, shooshing him and trying to comfort him.

Sans feels like absolute garbage next to his brother.

Papyrus was so kind and patient, always there for Sans, and what does Sans do? Nothing. He lays around, wallows, and messes up the house.

Papyrus would be better off living alone.

"YOU'RE SICKER THAN I THOUGHT." Papyrus says, and it takes a moment for Sans to realize Papyrus is talking about his physical health, not his mental health. "PERHAPS I SHOULD'VE STAYED HOME TOO."

"nah, bro." Sans says, lifting his head out of the bucket just enough to be heard. "you got important things to do, don't let me keep you."

"WELL I JUST... DID NOT HAVE A GREAT TIME AT WORK TODAY. I WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF STAYING HOME AS WELL."

"you didn't enjoy work?" Sans asks, bewildered. "did something happen?"

"UNDYNE WAS BEING A BIT HARSH TODAY. WE HAVEN'T BEEN SEEING EYE TO EYE LATELY. I THINK MAYBE..." Papyrus trails off, looking thoughtful. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK, REALLY."

"you guys are good friends. i'm sure you'll work through it." Sans is being honest. Papyrus is friendly, thoughtful, and so good at seeing things from other's perspectives. He's got no doubt that Papyrus can mend whatever is wrong with his friendship with Undyne.

"I HOPE SO. UNDYNE HAS BEEN SUCH A GOOD FRIEND AND MENTOR TO ME." Papyrus curls around Sans, laying his head atop him. "I DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING TO WORK TOMORROW."

"then don't." Sans says. He's probably not the best influence, but it doesn't matter. "you're a great sentry, you deserve a day off every so often. besides, you can't do any training when her house is on fire."

Papyrus is quiet for a long time, going through the reasons he has to go to work in his head. "I'LL THINK ABOUT IT." He untangles himself from Sans and stands up. "I NOTICED YOU DID NOT EAT TODAY."

"ugh." Sans mumbles in disgust at the idea of eating.

"YOU HAVE TO EAT, OR YOU'LL NEVER GET BETTER. I'M GOING TO GET THE SOUP." Papyrus walks out and returns quickly with a bowl of soup. "LET'S GET SOME FOOD IN THAT STOMACH THAT YOU DON'T HAVE."

Sans smiles and snickers a little bit. It really didn't make sense, either of them eating or drinking, but what honestly made sense in the underground? From the ever present snow where they lived to the ever moving labyrinth in the core, nothing seemed all that real. It's something he thought about a lot. He could barely believe in his own life, so why keep living?

The skeleton that also happens to be the reason to live sits in front of him, blowing on a spoonful of soup before bringing it to Sans's mouth. Sans hesitantly swallows down the soup. It's warm and filling. He finds himself feeling better with each spoonful. It isn't long until the bowl is empty, and he's left feeling warm and satisfied.

Papyrus disappears for a moment, going downstairs to clean the bowl before he returns back upstairs to sit next to his brother in a comfortable silence.

Sans leans against him and Papyrus wraps an arm around him, keeping him close.

"… why have you been like this lately?" Sans breaks the silence, finally asking the question that's been on his mind for weeks.

"BEEN LIKE WHAT?" Papyrus asks, feigning innocence.

"so gentle and kind. no nagging, no questions, just encouragement. you used to get mad when i would wear dirty clothes, or ask me why i slept at my post all the time. what's up?"

"… I KNOW YOU HAVEN'T BEEN FEELING WELL LATELY, SANS."

"i've only been sick a day."

"I MEAN... GEE, I KNOW IT'S NOT NICE TO BRING UP, I SHOULD LET YOU DO IT AT YOUR OWN PACE, BUT... YOU'VE BEEN VERY DEPRESSED FOR ABOUT THE LAST MONTH OR SO, OR AT LEAST THAT'S WHEN I NOTICED IT. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO HELP. I DON'T THINK NAGGY AND PUSHY IS VERY HELPFUL. NOT THAT I MIND BEING SOFTER WITH YOU, I LOVE YOU SANS, AND I CARE SO DEEPLY ABOUT YOU. I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT."

"oh..." Sans replies, his eyelights going out. He had never meant for Papyrus to know, but here he was, obvious in his depression and worrying his brother. Like the trash he was.

"PLEASE DON'T FEEL BAD, SANS. I'M SORRY I BROUGHT IT UP, BUT NOW THAT I HAVE, IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?" Papyrus seems earnest in his attempt to help, and Sans can't fault him for that.

"bro, just being around helps. i don't know what it is, but you're the only person who makes me feel right." Sans says, spilling his metaphorical guts out. "when you're near, it's like being on the surface, under the real sun. nobody else makes me feel like you do." Sans pushes his face further into Papyrus's side. Somehow the confession makes him feel lighter. "i really love you, paps."

Papyrus stiffens, like something just isn't right. Sans pulls away to look up at Papyrus's face, and it's a weird mixture of uncertainty and guilt. Papyrus pulls an awkward smile and turns to fully face Sans with his body. "SANS... I..." He looks away, unsure, and Sans can see hurt in his brother's eyes. "I HAVE SOMETHING TO CONFESS, BUT IT'S AWFUL, AND I KNOW IT'S JUST GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING. I KNOW YOU'R UNHAPPY, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO PUSH THIS ON YOU AS WELL."

Sans stares as he tries to figure out what Papyrus is talking about. Based on recent behavior... Fighting with friends, acknowledgement of faults, an unusual tiredness in the morning, being able to identify Sans's depression when nobody else has noticed... Papyrus must be depressed himself, Sans realizes. "it's okay pap, you can tell me anything. we can work through it, no matter what. you've been so good to me, let me help you." It would be the only way to repay his brother for his kindness.

"DO YOU REALLY LOVE ME, SANS?"

"of course."

"AM I REALLY THE SUNSHINE OF YOUR LIFE?"

"you warm my soul with your light."

"YOU... YOU FEEL SOMETHING FOR ME THAT YOU FEEL FOR NO OTHER MONSTER?"

"it's like you're the only monster that matters to me."

"I... I HOPE I'M NOT READING THIS WRONG..." Papyrus says as he scoots further away from Sans and grabs Sans's face with his hands. Sans feels a bit confused as Papyrus slowly closes the distance between their faces, until Papyrus's teeth clack against his own.

The realization is as bitter and nauseating as the bile he had spat up after waking. Papyrus keeps their faces connected for a long time, and Sans remains frozen throughout, mind racing.

How did this happen? Why had Sans never noticed his brother's feelings? Has Papyrus told anyone else about his crush? How long has Papyrus loved him like this?

How is he going to tell Papyrus that this is absolutely fucked up?

When Papyrus pulls away there's a look of fear on his face, and just the slightest bit of hope in his eyes. Sans feels awful realizing he's going to have to crush that hope.

"I LOVE YOU, SANS. IS THIS... IS THIS OKAY?" There's so many reasons it's not okay, but Papyrus doesn't want to think about them. He doesn't care about them. All he cares about is all he ever really cared about, Sans.

Sans can feel his soul shatter at the question, and he reaches for the bucket and pukes out all of the soup he just ate. It's still warm when it comes back up his throat, burning his bones and soon he realizes his soul is burning too and his mind and his whole body and everything, everything he's ever known is crashing down around him, burning and breaking and suffering. In the middle of the wreckage, his poor brother, who's never done anything wrong but was still cursed with a sinful mind and a traitorous soul, falling in love with the only wrong person to love.

He realizes, distantly, he's not the one crying for once. It's Papyrus, still on the bed sitting next to him, pulling him back into reality as he pulls his head out of the bucket and just stares at the sobbing monster. He doesn't know what to say. There's nothing to say. Nothing can make this better.

"i'm sorry, paps." It's a poor attempt if it could even count as one. "that's not okay."

"E-EVEN IF IT'S NOT OKAY..." Papyrus says, in between loud sniffles. "DO YOU FEEL EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT THE SAME? WE COULD STILL... I MEAN, IN THE PRIVACY OF OUR HOUSE... NOBODY WOULD KNOW..."

The bile builds up again and Sans lets it out into the bucket, and while that was pretty much an answer within itself, as soon as his throat is clear he's giving a verbal answer. "no, papyrus. i'm... sorry... i love you, but only as a brother. that's... that's just..."

"DISGUSTING." Papyrus finishes, and Sans wants to say no because it's just so harsh a word, but it's accurate. Papyrus is up and quickly heading for the door. "I'M SORRY FOR TELLING YOU, SANS. I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE JUST KEPT MY GROSS THOUGHTS TO MYSELF. PLEASE, JUST FORGET ABOUT THIS." He's out the door and Sans does not have the energy nor will to go after him. What could he possibly say anyways?

Sans puts down the bucket and lays back on the mattress. He's not tired at all. He spends the whole night laying there, mind buzzing with empty thoughts.

 

The next morning he wasn't sure what to expect, but it certainly wasn't Papyrus slamming open his door. "SANS, OUR SHIFT STARTS SOON AND YOU'RE STILL LAYING HERE? YOU'RE NOT EVEN ASLEEP! GET UP AND GET READY!" As Sans looks over he sees his brother, clean, dressed, looking as normal as ever. Was last night just a fever dream?

"i don't know, paps, i'm still feeling pretty sick. i'm not sure sitting out in the cold is gonna do wonders for my illness." He feels absolutely crappy, but he's not sure if it's actually the illness or if it's the depression or maybe the horrible love confession that turned his stomach.

"NONSENSE! THE COLD IS JUST THE THING FOR A FEVER. NOW STOP MAKING EXCUSES! YOU'VE ALREADY MISSED A DAY AND A HALF OF WORK! I WANT TO SEE YOU UP AND DOWNSTAIRS WITHIN TEN MINUTES." Papyrus closes the door behind him, but then opens it a crack and peeks his head inside. "AND WEAR SOMETHING AT LEAST VAGUELY CLEAN FOR ONCE." He slams the door and stomps downstairs, sounds that Sans is used to.

He's being naggy and pushy, just like he had been before Sans's depression got really bad.

Somehow it seems... Weird.

Still, Sans isn't going to disobey. He grabs some cleans clothes out of his laundry basket and heads to the shower. As he's finishing up he realizes there's no towel to dry off with.

"hey, paps!" He yells. "can you bring me a towel? i forgot."

Papyrus is there in an instant, one hand covering his eyes as he opens the door with the other and then throws in a towel. "DID YOU REALLY FORGET AGAIN, SANS? HONESTLY, HOW HARD IS IT TO BE PREPARED FOR A SHOWER?"

"i don't know, guess i kinda got used to you leaving one in here for me."

"DO I NEED TO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU, SANS? HOW ARE YOU GOING TO LIVE WHEN I BECOME A ROYAL GUARD AND MUST MOVE INTO THE CASTLE TO BE THE KING'S PERSONAL PROTECTOR AND FAVORITE ROYAL GUARDSMAN?" He shouts as he starts heading downstairs, back into the kitchen.

"i don't know..." Sans mumbles as he dries himself off. In the back of his mind he thinks, 'i probably wouldn't.'

He pushes that thought away as he dresses and heads downstairs. This morning has been so normal, which makes it feel very weird to Sans. Papyrus is being his normal naggy, bossy, egotistical self, and Sans is wondering if the past month has even been real. In the pits of his depression, maybe he made his brother out to be more angelic and kind than he actually is. Did he imagine the kind voice that addressed him, praised him for doing basic tasks? Did he daydream the soft, comforting touches?

Did his sudden physical illness combine with his mental illness to form his worst nightmare? A situation where he could do nothing but hurt his brother?

He sits at the table with a plate of lukewarm spaghetti in front of him. It tastes awful. His already tenuous grip on the contents of his stomach is tested, and he fails to keep it down as he vomits it back up on the table.

"THANKS." Papyrus says, sarcastic as he glares at Sans.

"i... i told you i was sick..." Sans says, looking into the cold stare, looking for any traces of the Papyrus of the past month. Only one clue. A ring of orange around his eyes, signifying he had spent the last night crying. Not the most solid of evidence, but it's something to prove he hasn't completely lost his mind and fabricated the entire last month of his life.

"YES, SICK OF MY SPAGHETTI, I UNDERSTAND. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HEAD TO GRILLBY'S INSTEAD, LIKE YOU DO FOR EVERY MEAL. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THIS BIG MESS, I'LL CLEAN IT UP. AS USUAL. AFTER ALL, I GUESS IT'S MY FAULT FOR SERVING SOMETHING SO INEDIBLE." Papyrus is speaking quick, but Sans can still hear the hurt in his voice.

Sans stands and starts heading out, deciding to take Papyrus's suggestion.

"THIS ISN'T AN EXCUSE TO MISS WORK, THOUGH! I BETTER SEE YOU AT YOUR SENTRY STATION! AND YOU BETTER BE AWAKE!"

 

Sans sits at the bar of Grillby's, getting a small breakfast in before his shift. The burger mixes pretty badly with the taste of bile that lingers in his throat, but his stomach seems calm enough to take it. As Sans drags a french fry through some ketchup, he thinks about the one monster that always seems to be on his mind. Papyrus.

He's pretty certain that last night and the month before was real, yet Papyrus is acting like everything is absolutely normal. He supposes his brother did tell him to forget everything, but was he really just going to pretend everything is like it used to be?

He's not sure what caused his depression to hit a new low, but he supposes that at least to the monsters he saw daily, he seemed relatively normal. Papyrus was the only one who saw through that, and could see how much he was suffering. Papyrus changed his entire way of brotherly affection for him. Instead of nagging Sans to be better, he gently encouraged healthy, regular behaviors. He became more physically affectionate, constantly reassuring Sans that he cared.

Was that all because of his incestuous love? No, he knew his brother better than that. Papyrus was more observant than people gave him credit for. He was just trying to do what's best for Sans.

And then Sans shut him down and pretty much broke his soul.

However, Papyrus was acting like everything was normal. There was barely a hint of pain in his eyes, his voice, his mannerisms. Papyrus had every right to be depressed, but if he was, he didn't let it show. Unlike Sans, who was thinking about all the friends he had. All the people who go out of their way to see him every day. Who laughed at his jokes, and the one special lady hiding behind a door who was probably still waiting for him to pick up their conversation like it never broke off.

And Sans was the depressed one.

Sans didn't think he could feel worse about himself, and yet here he was. He was done letting it consume him, though. He was done letting it keep him from focusing, paying attention to the people who mattered. If Papyrus could get rejected by his own brother and basically hit rock bottom, yet still summon up a smile the next day, Sans could ignore the thoughts that made him sad and force himself to smile too.

The all-too-familiar fake smile plastered itself on his face and he winked at Grillby. "put it on my tab." He said, before he hopped off the stool and walked out of the bar. He took a shortcut to the woods, where he knocked on the door.

The excited, "Who's there?" made him feel guilty.

 

Sans didn't run into Papyrus at all that day, and didn't see him at all in the house when he got home. The place was cleaned up, including his room, but no trace of Papyrus. As Sans settled in to watch some MTT, Papyrus slammed open the door and trotted inside, closing the door with as much force.

"ya know, that's probably why our door ain't insulating the house, bro."

"WELL, IT NEEDS TO GET STRONGER. MY GRAND ENTRANCES SHALL BE STOPPED BY NO WEAK DOOR."

"it ain't gonna get stronger if you keep slamming it. you have to, i don't know, reinforce it or something. i wouldn't know, you're the one who builds things."

"I BUILD PUZZLES, NOT DOORS." Papyrus says as he starts taking off his snow-coated boots. "EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE PUZZLE MADE OF DOORS. THAT ONE SURE DID NOT WORK OUT."

"yeah, who woulda guessed that somebody could just open all the doors?"

"NEXT TIME I'LL PUT LOCKS ON THEM." Papyrus heads to the kitchen. "LOCKS THAT ELECTROCUTE YOU IF YOU TRY TO PICK THEM."

"and you need a rubber key to open them or something?" Sans asks as he turns off the television and heads into the kitchen himself. As much as he hates it, he's got to talk to Papyrus.

"THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, BUT I'M NOT SURE HOW WELL A RUBBER KEY WOULD WORK. MAYBE I COULD JUST GET RID OF THE DOORS AND KEEP THE ELECTRICITY. SORT OF LIKE AN INVISIBLE MAZE?" Papyrus shrugs. "WHAT HAVE DOORS DONE FOR ANYONE, ANYWAYS?"

"i don't know." Sans says as he sits at the table. "look, papyrus, we gotta talk."

"YES, YES, I ALREADY KNOW. GO AHEAD TO GRILLBY'S, I'LL BE MAKING DINNER FOR JUST MYSELF TONIGHT."

"not about that. maybe you should sit down for this? i wanna talk about last night."

"YOU KNOW, I'M NOT ACTUALLY THAT HUNGRY. I THINK I'M GOING TO GO TO BED. GOODNIGHT, SANS." Papyrus heads for the door but Sans grabs his arm.

"please, papyrus. please." Sans gestures to the table.

"THERE IS NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT. I TOLD YOU TO FORGET IT, AND UNLESS YOU ARE HERE TO TELL ME YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND, I DON'T REALLY THINK THERE'S ANYTHING MORE TO SAY ON THE MATTER."

"why are you trying to act like everything is normal? like nothing happened?" Sans can't help the frustration slipping into his tone.

"WELL HOW DO YOU WANT ME TO ACT, SANS? DO YOU WANT ME TO ACT LOVESICK? DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOW UP AT YOUR SENTRY SPOT WITH CANDY AND FLOWERS, SINGING A CHEESY LOVE SONG AS EVERY OTHER MONSTER IN THE AREA HEARS AND FINDS OUT ABOUT MY GROSS LOVE FOR YOU AND DESTROY WHAT'S LEFT OF MY ALREADY TRASH REPUTATION?"

Sans can barely shake his head no as Papyrus starts up another scenario.

"DO YOU WANT ME TO PESTER YOU CONSTANTLY ABOUT IT? TRY TO HUG YOU AND KISS YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU, LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, DON'T WANT IT? WERE YOU EXPECTING TO WAKE UP WITH ME IN YOUR BED, BEGGING FOR A CHANCE? DID YOU REFUSE ME BECAUSE YOU WANTED ME TO CHASE YOU?"

"no-"

"OR DID YOU WANT ME TO BECOME A CARBON COPY OF YOU? MOPING AROUND AND CRYING WHEN I DON'T THINK MY BROTHER WILL HEAR ME? SO DEPRESSED I CAN'T EVEN REGISTER WHEN SOMEBODY IS TALKING TO ME? DID YOU WANT ME TO FALL DOWN FROM THE SHOCK OF THE REJECTION? DID YOU WANT ME TO DUST MYSELF BECAUSE THE ONLY MONSTER WHO EVER REALLY CARED ABOUT ME IS NOW REPULSED BY ME BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON MY SOUL DECIDED THAT LOGIC AND MORALITY AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR IT, I JUST HAD TO LOVE MY BROTHER. I COULDN'T MAKE A GOOD CHOICE IN LIFE, JUST HAD TO BE AS DISGUSTING AND AWFUL AS I AM."

Tears are spilling out of both of the brother's eyes, and finally Papyrus falls to his knees, sobbing into the palm of his hand.

"THIS ISN'T A CHOICE, SANS." Papyrus says, muffled but still clear enough for Sans to hear. "I WOULD NEVER WANT TO PUT THIS KIND OF PRESSURE ON YOU, BUT I THOUGHT... THE WORDS YOU WERE SAYING... I THOUGHT YOU FELT THE SAME. I'M SORRY, I SHOULD'VE KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT AND FIRMLY AWAY FROM YOURS. OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T FEEL THE SAME, NORMAL MONSTERS DON'T LOVE THEIR BROTHERS."

"you're right, papyrus. acting like it didn't happen is a lot better than... any of those other scenarios. you know what, let's just pretend this whole last month didn't happen. let's both just... go back to normal."

Papyrus takes his hand away from his mouth and gives Sans an unsure look. "DO YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THAT, SANS? I CAN'T IMAGINE ALL OF THIS HAS BEEN GOOD FOR YOUR DEPRESSION."

"if you can do it, so can i. i've been faking being happy for most of my life, i think i can handle a little bout of depression." Sans says, trying to belittle the issue in hopes that it'll make the actual problem seem easier to deal with.

"… DOES THIS MEAN I CAN HUG YOU, OR WOULD YOU PREFER I JUST NEVER TOUCH YOU AGAIN?"

Sans chuckles and hugs his brother tight. Instantly, Papyrus's arms are around him, squeezing hard. "i don't see why not. who wouldn't want to hug the best brother ever?"

"I WAS ALSO HOPING... THAT MAYBE YOU COULD STILL TUCK ME IN AND READ ME A STORY EVERY NIGHT?" Papyrus asks, hopeful.

"sure, why not? i got nothin' better to do at night. who knows, maybe reading will help me fall asleep too." Sans pulls away from his brother. "now how about dinner? i'm thinkin' spaghetti."

"SOUNDS GOOD."

 

Sans smiles as he thinks about how it's gotten so much easier to pretend like everything is absolutely normal. He's more miserable than ever, but the smile and laughter comes even easier because of it. He's clear headed, ultra focused on each monster that comes by, each word said being cataloged in his memory. Each joke he tells funnier than the last.

Papyrus has gotten even louder and more flamboyant, always laughing or nagging, like a caricature of himself. Sometimes Sans comes home and catches Papyrus standing there, still as a board, eyes empty as he stares blankly at the wall. A quick shake brings Papyrus out of the trance, as cheerful and boastful as ever.

Though each time Sans touches Papyrus, he finds a little bit of dust on his hands. At first he was scared, but now he just laughs it off. After all, he's been slowly turning to dust too.

It's funny how they're both so in sync with each other.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't mean for it to end up sad, but somehow it happened. Seriously, I have no idea how this ending happened, it was supposed to be happy? I'm actually quite unhappy about it. I think I might just make an alternate ending that's happier, because honestly every sign was pointing to 'Sans loves Papyrus' and yet it didn't happen. Wtf self.


End file.
